Abstinence
I am constantly being amazed at what I read in our local newspaper and see on our TV. No, the ultra-reactionary editorials, columns and letters don't astonish me, nor the interesting slant given to the news. Ann Coulter is considered a left-wing nut in this area, so I'm pretty numb to knee-jerk idiocy.
What fascinates me is to learn that I am an expert in such a wide array of subjects. I have been in the media as an advocate for the poor and homeless, a resource for sexual asault and domestic violence victims, children's welfare issues, substance abuse prevention, even on mental health issues connected with hurricane recovery. On one memorable occasion, I was quoted on the front page of the paper on a court case that I had not realized had been scheduled, much less resolved, and which took place when I was 1500 miles away. Today I claim fame as an opponent of abstinence-only education.
Obviously, no one can possibly be an authority in this many fields, and my popularity among the media set stems from my ability to dig up valid research quickly and summarize it in a few succinct, quotable phrases. The fact that there isn't much of a liberal or even moderate opinion pool to draw from around here, and that I don't mind being identified as a liberal, is also key.
The advantage to being frequently called upon is that it gives me the chance to truly consider topics that otherwise would fly under my radar. Up to this point I have always considered abstinence-only education a waste of breath, based on "science" that is on a par with creationism. What I hadn't stop to contemplate is how dangerous abstinence-only education is.
Of course I know that abstinence-only proponents make wild claims of 40% failure rates with condoms, and HIV-transmission through sweat and tears, and wildly exaggerated risks of other forms of birth control. I also know that abstinence revivals have much in common with big-tent church revivals: it's easy to get caught in the moment and swear your pledge to virginity and the Bible, but even easier to lose the glow as soon as true temptation raises its head. True reform and change are rarely accomplished in an instant.
And although I didn't know the exact figures, I was hardly surprised to find out that 88% of teens taking a vow of abstinence break it within a year. Since these teens have been told, and believe, that protection is dangerous and ineffective, they then are subject to significantly elevated risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease (both of which carry fairly grave consequences for the very young). Sadly, this may register with many as being a good reason to include more comprehensive forms of sex education, but not with abstinence-only proponents. Proponents tend to be more punitive in their world view than I am, and they feel that pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are God's wise and considered judgment on those who flout abstinence-only vows.
The danger I did not readily acknowledge is the inclusion of abstinence-only education in our science classes, because this is where it is usually presented. Apparently there is no limit to the desire to treat science as a faith-based ideology, subject to dispute by other faith-based ideologies. The notion of evidence-based theories that can be reliably tested and replicated is considered something that only airy-fairy college professors care about. Such arcane notions are not relevant to the real world, which is a polarized war zone to be conquered by the loudest, most inflammatory orators.
One of the most widely quoted excerpts from Ron Suskind's book on the Bush presidency has VP Dick Cheney waving away the quaint notions of a "reality-based community."
"We make our own reality," said Cheney.
If there has been one true statement from this administration, this would be the one. The Bush administration has consistently attempted to impose its own, fantasy-based "reality" upon the rest of the world. Given the results, you might think that the Bushies and everyone else would have retreated from this position, but instead it has become more entrenched.
Predictably, it has only been entrenched in the mind-set. The world stubbornly refuses to go along, and keeps plugging away in a reality-based sphere. The fact that I don't believe in the oak tree in my front yard will not keep it from shedding leaves, and the fact that a large number of zealots don't believe in evolution is not stopping species change and adaptation. Many lay people still refuse to acknowledge global warming, but the ice caps are melting just the same, and the hurricanes get more catastrophic every year.
Biblical reactionaries fight to get abstinence-only education in the classroom not only as an expression of religious views and a further weakening of the boundaries between church and state, but as a way to cast yet more doubt on scientific research and understanding. They speak of a "war on Christmas" while waging an assault on reason and intellect. For those of us who would prefer to raise our children in a society that can compete in a global economy, this is frightening. For those who think the end times are coming next year, it hardly matters what destruction is unleashed in the year after that.
Still, it matters to me. So I'll keep sending out my blue notes from the red zone, and hoping to keep a small flame lit on the altar of our God-given minds and revealed intellectual truths.
Against All Odds
My cousin's wife has been publishing stories of a very different kind than the ones I post. I write about the generic, she focuses on her very personal struggle against cancer. As a result, she probably reaches hearts in a way I can't come close to duplicating. I asked her permission to excerpt this and publish it on my website, but then decided I didn't know where to cut. It would be like editing her, and I want every bit of her to shine through. It's long, but no longer than it needs to be. Hope you like it.
By Lisa Majors
GUEST WRITER
It's amazing how words can change your life.
"I do."
"It's a boy!"
And, most recently, "You have cancer."
My journey with cancer began in 2005 when at the ripe young age of 47 I set out to lose weight. This was something that I had wanted to do for a long time. I became serious about it, changed my eating habits and the weight started coming off. I reached my ideal weight, and I was happy about that, but instead of feeling great I felt awful. I was tired, out of breath, had no appetite and was in quite a bit of pain.
What had been an occasional dull abdominal ache had become a constant cramp-like pain. It was time to visit the doctor. Besides, I was past due for a general physical.
When the day came for my appointment, I was nervous. I had a feeling that something was very wrong. I brought my husband along with me for reassurance.
It was a first-time visit with the doctor. He was great, very patient and reassuring. We chatted for a few minutes and I told him a little bit about myself and the symptoms I had been experiencing. He told me my blood work showed I was severely anemic. In fact, he was surprised I was even able to walk in there. No wonder I was feeling so tired and was out of breath. I didn't have the needed red blood cells to carry enough oxygen.
The doctor proceeded with a very careful and thorough physical examination during which he felt a rectal mass. Not good. He left for a minute while the nurse took X-rays of my lungs. Then he met with us and told us that the mass needed to be checked out and that he had called a local colon surgeon and made an appointment for us.
I expected this to be soon, a day or two later maybe, but no, we were to go right then and take the X-rays with us. I asked when the appointment was. He told me the appointment was “when you get there!” This was all happening so fast and sounding very ominous, so I asked him what it could be. He said it could be a number of things but one of them might be cancer so we needed to check it out now. Off we went to the colon doctor. A quick look at the X-rays and he scheduled me for a colonoscopy the following week. Things were happening entirely too fast, but they needed to.
The following week, I went in for my colonoscopy. The news was not good. I learned that I had stage 4 colon cancer that had metastasized to my liver and lungs. He also informed me that the tumor was not operable and asked if we knew a good oncologist.
Actually, we did. My uncle had been treated for prostate cancer a few years back, and the family was very impressed with his doctor. So we called him and had an appointment almost immediately. He told me about the cancer, but he said there was much he could do to prolong my life and improve the quality of my life.
So I began fighting back and it felt great! I had to get blood before I started on chemo but about two weeks later I was getting the treatment. It was a great choice for me because I responded strongly. I finished seven treatments when my oncologist and colon surgeon agreed that my tumor was now operable. I was told the operation would probably mean that I would have a colostomy. That was not a problem to me! I wanted this operation. Get this outta me! I had surgery in January.
Again I was blessed with a gifted surgeon and he took that tumor out. After a little recovery time the next step was 25 radiation treatments along with more chemo to keep the main tumor from coming back. During all of this I began to feel better. Since surgery, my weight is back up to where it needs to be. I feel great and there are very few things I can’t do. The next stage of my journey (which my oncologist calls a marathon; I love that description especially since only eight months ago I thought I was losing a sprint) is more chemotherapy which will begin in three weeks.
I am ready to continue to fight my cancer. I’m more than ready. I know that things can get rough, but those nasty little mean cells have found the wrong body to inhabit.
What is my prognosis?
My prognosis is that right now, today, I am living with cancer, and tomorrow I will live with it too, and the day after that, and the day after that, as long as it takes. I don’t look at statistics. I know how I feel, and I can live this day, and that’s all that matters. That and the fact that I can get stuff for next Easter on sale right now.
I have a loving family that encourages and embraces me. They are extremely supportive. We had 17 people (15 people and two ministers) in the surgery waiting room. I also have a very strong church family and I feel so thankful for that. In fact, all of the cards that I’ve received from friends, family and even people I don’t know are now hanging on my wall in my bedroom. They take up almost half of my room and every morning when I first wake up, the first thing I see are all the cards that I’ve received. These are from people that have expressed their care and continue to pray for me. How humbling! I’m reminded each and every day of just how lucky I am.
It’s through my strong faith in God, family support and one heck of a medical team that I’m here. Life is soooooo good.
One special card stands out. It’s from my sister-in-law. It’s a beautiful picture of a 10th century Austrian castle wall. The massive stones are hand-cut and closely fit together, yet a wonderfully hearty rose vine is growing through the wall. It is in full bloom. Below this she put a quote from Jim Wallis:
“Hope is believing in spite of the evidence and watching the evidence change.”
That kinda says it all, doesn’t it?
Against the Tide
To begin with, this post is definitely of the "flogging a dead horse" variety. If there is an issue I'm having a lot of trouble getting over, it's that of sexual politics. First of all, it informs our lives more than most issues do. Second, it's very hard to ignore if a large portion of your work week is devoted to sexual assault awareness education and rape prevention.
No topic that I speak on, and I speak on plenty, stirs as much reaction as rape. If you wish to believe that we do not live in a society riddled with misogyny, this should not be your field of endeavor. The anger and viciousness behind many of the comments is breath-taking.
A week or so ago I was speaking to a group of school resource officers. I wasn't even attempting to discuss the need for sensitivity when dealing with rape victims, or outline why having sex with an unconscious woman is by definition rape. My entire spiel was simply to describe sexual assault prevention programs in the schools, and suggest ways that my staff could collaborate with school resource officers.
It would have been safer to go up against a pack of feral, snarling dogs. The faces turned toward me were hostile and menacing, and I could not string two words together about mentoring programs for at-risk girls without being interrupted with statements of "fact" such as how 95% of all women who claim to be raped are lying; how men who are falsely accused of rape are ruined for all time, but women get off scot-free; how women who have sex with underage boys are treated with kid gloves, but men who have sex with underage girls are persecuted mercilessly, and yes, how those teenage girls have it coming to them anyway.
I get the same reaction from at least a minority of those present at every venue, from the local health departments to the military bases. I learn that men have to band together because it's "bros over hos," meaning that men have to protect themselves from lying, conniving women even if it means lying and conniving themselves.
What saddens me the most, however, is that so few women are decent caretakers of each other. A highly talented and gifted rape prevention educator uses a film taken from the TV show "20/20" of a 14-year-old girl who sneaks out of the house to attend a party given by boys of the fast, popular set. She drinks, gets sick, and finds herself in a 16-inch pool of blood, the victim of a gang rape. Very few people, men or women, who view this film think that the boys (one of whom is 18) have anything but minor culpability for this situation. The men blame the girl, but the women want to flay her alive. This young girl crept out of bathroom window, she drank, she made herself vulnerable. How could the boys do anything but take advantage? They can't think of one negative thing to say about the boy who instigates the rape, then turns on his "friends" to avoid jail time, but they can raise hell about the nerve of the girl who led these boys on and then called the police.
Listening to women, especially those working in male-dominated environments, is very depressing. Women hear men putting women down all the time, and think to score points by being even harder on their sex than the men are. Men may form teams to support and mentor each other, but there is no corresponding female network. There are men who have more women as friends than men, but they don't see the need to attack men as being unworthy of their time. But women proudly boast of having no female friends, and only attaching to men because they have "superior" conversational styles, are never catty or ugly, and apparently are a purer species altogther.
Many years ago, I was at one of those appalling parties where everyone is supposed to buy something from a vendor so that their friend the "hostess" can win a prize. A woman there introduced herself to me by commiserating with my miserable luck in having three daughters and only one son. She, however, was blessed with three sons and only one daughter. She went on at length about how horrible having a daughter was, and how if she had three of these bitchy, spiteful creatures in her house she would have to jump off a cliff. All I could say was that my heart broke for her daughter, who sadly had no choice of parent.
Obviously, there are many women who are kind to one another, who value their daughters as the gifts that they are, and who treasure their friendships with each other. Just as obviously, there are many men who value and respect women, and who find women are stimulating, passionate and logical.
But the men who seethe with anger at the perceived injustices heaped on men by society, and the women who collude with them, are not isolated cases. They may not rape, but they promote a culture of rape and domestic violence, and a business community still dominated by men who put power above all else.
And I, determinedly cheerful and optimstic as I am, don't have a clue as to how to change it.
Challenges
Last night a woman I knew in passing 15-20 years ago called looking for help. We haven't spoken since her daughters were in my Girl Scout troops many years ago, but she has kept up with my career through my newspaper op-ed pieces (like the one about sexual assault printed below) and various appearances on TV, radio and in the news.
She talked about heart-breaking experiences that she had endured, and although I have heard variations of her story often, it still moved me to tears. However, it was her reason for seeking me out that shook me the most.
"Ever since I met you," she said, "I have tried to model my life after yours. You never accept the fact that there is anything you can't do. If a thing needs to be done, you just clear out the barriers and the obstacles, and you make it happen."
As someone who, like most of us, feels stymied all the time by things I cannot control, I found this a breath-taking analysis of my character. But I suppose at some level it is true. I do tackle a lot of windmills, and occassionally I come out victorious.
At the moment, I am working toward two major goals: the creation of a rape examination clinc off-site from the hospitals; and the establishment of an emergency homeless shelter and center where homeless persons can find the resources they need to forge a better life. Both of these seemed very far-fetched when I embarked on these crusades, but the clinic is now looking like a distinct possibility, and may start up as early as January, 2007.
The homeless shelter continues to look like a pipe dream. I'm trying to raise funds for a shelter that maybe 10 people in the county (other than the homeless themselves) are in favor of even having, and the rest of the citizens are actively working against. The odds are not looking good. However, nothing will happen if everyone gives up, so I keep holding fund-raisers, and going on TV, and writing newspaper columns, talking on the radio, applying for grants. The amount of money raised to date is pitiful, but it is growing, and maybe it will turn out to be the seed for a fabulous plant. I can only hope.
In the end, hope is all any of us has to go on, from the mother who called me, to the homeless person seeking to stay dry during a storm. It gets us up in the morning thinking: maybe today will be a little easier, maybe today I will be loved, maybe today a promise will unfold. It takes us through the years: if I keep working, my children will have a secure future, my parents will be cared for, my dreams will be realized. We know in our hearts that few of our hopes will ever reach full fruition, but some of them will. And that's enough.
Years ago, my husband gave one of our daughters the horse that had been the center of every thought and prayer for years. I drove her over to the stables, and right before we turned into the drive I said, "sweetheart, sadly, part of growing up is accepting that most of our dreams will never come true. But it's equally important to realize that sometimes, some magical times, they do." And as she sat stunned, seeing her father come into view holding the reins of a palomino quarterhorse, I whispered, "happy birthday, love. Live in hope."
Happy dreams, to all of us.
Spring Break: The Dark Side
A few months ago, I was invited to participate on a review board dealing with a community's response to rapes. The meeting was almost over before it began, since the prosecution representative opened the proceedings with the statement, “We don’t have any rapes to report this month; just a rash of men having sex with underage girls.”
At that point, most of the responders began to pack up their briefcases and head out. Although momentarily startled into silence by the idea that statutory rape wasn't real rape, I found my voice before the first man reached the door. The meeting proceeded, and was quite lively.
This memory came back to me as our beach town began its preparations for spring break. As thousands of college students headed to our coast, hoping for a vacation from term papers and midterms, the likelihood of sexual assault increased drastically. Especially vulnerable are the local high school girls who drop by the beaches to check out the activity and daydream about college guys.
One of the traditions that have grown up around spring activities is the constant presence of alcohol. Various reports from the federal government and the American Medical Assocation estimate that college men on spring break consume an average of 21 drinks per day, while women consume an average of 14. If these figures seem insane, you weren't on the beach from mid-March to mid-April. Of women present during binge drinking activities, 26% report having been sexually assaulted, whether they were drinking or not.
Rape is rape, whether it is occurring to 19-year-old women who have had too many drinks, or to 15 year old girls who are trying desperately to be seen as grown-up and cool, and who may or may not have participated in alcohol consumption. Drinking beer is not equivalent to giving consent to sexual activity, and should never be construed as such, whether the girl drinking is old enough to consent to sex when sober or not.
That said, it still breaks my heart when a young girl’s first experience comes as a result of a forced sex, as happens to 10% of all teenage girls (President’s Report on Abstinence Education). Sexual contact is meant to be a form of communication between loving adults who are in a committed relationship, and are old enough to know what a committed relationship is. Adult men forcing or otherwise coercing sex with teenage girls do not meet that definition.
Yes, I’ve heard that “teenage girls know what’s going down,” and “they want it.” Sometimes, sadly, these girls do know what is going down, because they have been molested or sexually abused as children. This does not give subsequent men a free pass to take advantage of them. And while teenage girls may well want attention, they are not looking for sex with strange men, and they have neither the experience nor the emotional capacity to deal with it. Statutory rape is against the law, because it is a rape of the body, the spirit, and the mind – and a crime in every sense of the word.
Spring break is nearly over now, and while the beach was packed, the amount of alcoholic beverage consumption and rape reports in our town was far less elevated than in years past. This was not true of some of our neighboring communities, where hospital emergency rooms were packed with cases of sexual assault, alcohol poisoning, and accidents caused by loss of judgment. There is an advertising campaign to the effect of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," but this is not true. The effects of near-death experiences and sexual assaults are souvenirs that hang around a very long time.
Summer is rushing hard upon us, and with it a renewed surge of vacationers. I hope each and every one has a wonderful time, and remembers a different kind of campaign slogan: stay smart, and stay safe.
