Blue Notes from a Red Zone

For a Friend

Few topics are as sensitive or as fraught with hidden meaning, as those dealing with relationships between women and men. My own perspective on issues of power and control is itself informed largely by private experience, and thus takes shape as bias on behalf of women. I rationalize this as being but a small drop of water surging against a giant tide of bias on behalf of men, but like all rationalizations, it ultimately fails the test of fairness.

There are several points of clarification I should make. The most important is to place some distance between the generalizations I state, and the men I know. Not all men, perhaps not even the majority, buy into the idea that men should be the dominant partner in male/female relationships. The very best men, those who are confident in their strength and masculinity, believe in equality and mutual respect. They view their girlfriends/ wives/ significant others as full partners in their life journeys, and consider conflict to represent the need for negotiation, not a power struggle.

A second point is that the idea that relationships must ultimately be authoritarian in nature is destructive, whether the man or woman seeks to take control. There are many methods by which humans seek to manipulate one another, and women can be as accomplished in their use as men. Men historically use physical strength, isolation and economic leverage as their primary means of asserting control; women are more apt to use emotional blackmail and the manipulation of children to gain the upper hand. Both genders are unfortunately superb in using verbal abuse, threats, and humiliation. However, no one tactic is the exclusive preserve of a single sex.

A society which buys into the myths that one gender is superior to another, and that all relationships are battlegrounds for dominance (i.e., “The Taming of the Shrew,” “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf,” “The War of the Roses,” and “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,”) hurts all of us, men and women. For me personally, the result was a refusal to fully invest emotionally in my own relationships, thinking the results could not be worth the risks. This has hurt not just me, but the men who have loved me. For others, the result has been physical violence and family abandonment (by either sex), which harms not just the participants, but society as a whole.

As satisfying as it might be to wish for a society in which the tables were turned for a while, and that women were in charge, the gratification of such a wish would be as wrong as the current situation in which men are supposed to be dominant. The result would be the same stress, confusion and poor communication that we have now.

The better hope lies in encouraging the many men and women seeking new and just relationships, in which all parties feel valued and conflict is resolved through communication, compromise and cooperation. We should idolize the men who seek to cherish women, not the Hugh Hefner/ Kobe Bryant/ movie action hero types who seek only to use them. By honoring the men who have the strength and courage to go beyond culturally imposed norms, straight into their own hearts, we validate the women who have struggled to find their best selves as well.

I personally vow to do a better job of honoring the men who have taught me that the greatest strength lies in tenderness, and empathy and compassion are the wellsprings of love for women and men alike.

posted by Lenore Wilson @ 2:03 PM